When a doctor once said to me “wow you’ve had the million dollar work up” I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy road. Negative tests, “perfect blood work” and medication that just didn’t work. Yet I’m still in pain, uncomfortable and know something is wrong. The rollercoaster of life dealing with a chronic illness truly has given me whiplash. Add whiplash to the list of daily struggles please. Some days I wake up with a moderate amount of energy and the pain seems manageable. I feel hopeful so I complete my work, make my meals, exercise and maybe even dare to clean the house. That sounds like the average day for someone, but for me, I have made a massive mistake. The next few days I am exhausted, sore, lethargic and back to the couch. Sometimes I push myself more than I should because I know the energy won’t last forever. A friend will text me “let's meet up and go out!”. The anxiety sets in. Last time I cancelled on them, I can't cancel this time. I over did it yesterday, I wasn’t prepared to go out, I am in pain! What should I do?

I could sit here and write about all of the negatives and the raw truth of life with a chronic illness. All of the hurdles I’ve had to weakly pull my body over, the exhaustion from advocating for myself everyday or the annoyance of carrying an entire CVS pharmacy anytime I leave the house. The reality of life with a chronic illness is mentally, physically and emotionally taxing. What I want to do is talk about how dealing with chronic illnesses and fatigue has changed my life in ways most people wouldn’t think of or let alone understand. Which I hope is encouraging to anyone who may come across this. The reality is my body does operate like a machine despite the sirens blaring and emergency lights flashing. My body tells me, “you did too much, it is time to slow down, that form of exercise is not for us, please never eat gluten again!” I have become so in tune with my body that it gives me the ability to live differently than others. I am still learning and adapting as I will be for the rest of my life, as we all will and should be. Yes it may be more challenging to go out to eat, travel, maintain friendships or sometimes leave the house. When I do, I feel a sense of accomplishment that your average person might not feel. To some people that might seem sad or depressing that I’m proud of myself for simply existing. To me it’s
empowering. My chronic illness is my superpower. It has shown me empathy, understanding, care and love. It has taught me patience, assertiveness, and strength. I have learned to fight for my health, mental health and my life. I have stood up to doctors, men, women and peers advocating for myself. I have taken my life by the reins and I am fully in control. All of these qualities make me who I am as a person. It has allowed me to motivate others who are struggling and connect with people I would never have crossed paths with. What a privilege it is to learn my body so intricately that I know exactly what works and doesn’t work to live a happy and healthy life. What an honor it is to continually learn, grow and adapt to the best of my ability. My body has not failed me nor does it work against me. In the beginning it may have felt that way, the helplessness, defeat and anger. The constant battle with myself, longing to just be normal. What is normal? Every single person experiences a different form of normality each day. For me this is my normal. I reached a point where I could sulk, feel bad for myself, take offense to others making comments or not understanding. I could reminisce on friendships that are no longer there because I couldn’t keep up. How long will I work against my own body? The same body who

has gotten me this far, smoothly or not. So I pour the energy I do have back into myself. I prioritize my mental health, my physical limitations, and keeping firm boundaries that protect my body and mind. I surround myself with loving, supportive people who cheer me on when I’m doing well or cheer even louder when I’m in the depths of a flare up.

Each day isn’t perfect by any means. I still cry, feel pain and discomfort. I can feel lost, scared and discouraged. Trust me when I say I constantly have to remind myself of the things I am writing here. I consistently tell myself that I am strong, I am a powerful person who has endured a lot of symptoms and situations most people would crack under. At the end of the day I am proud of the battles I’ve faced and the progress I have made. I have lost a lot of my childhood and adulthood to chronic illnesses. With that being said I have never been nor will I ever be defined by my chronic illness. I hope whoever is reading this, whether you are the one suffering with a chronic illness or are a caretaker of someone who is chronically ill, you will never let that define you. You will see yourself as worthy, strong and capable. You have a superpower. Use it wisely, just don’t overdo it!